Women shouldn’t sacrifice their own satisfaction for their partners
Psychologist and professor Laurie B. Mintz recently published a piece for Psychology Today titled “A Letter to Young Sexually Active Heterosexual Women,” where she discussed her opinion that the younger generation’s view of sex is misinformed, largely thanks to the influx of pornography available. As the internet-raised generation, we had access to internet porn that previous generations didn’t have, and that may have influenced our ideas about sex from a young age.
Her letter is full of wisdom and good advice (for men and women alike, really) and I suggest you read the whole thing. Below are some of the strongest, most important points she makes.
“You deserve pleasure during sex. Your pleasure doesn’t have to be secondary to your partner’s pleasure.This goes for both relationship sex and casual sex.” A lot of young women can feel obligated to have sex with a partner who wants it, even if she’s not in the mood. That can create a less-than-sexy mood, and often results in the woman not receiving the same pleasure. Which brings us to…
“Tell your partner what you need to reach orgasm. Remember, he has been watching the same distorted movies and porn that you may have been watching, so he may also think his penis is key to your orgasm. You have to tell him otherwise. (And if you fake orgasm during intercourse, he will continue to think this is how women orgasm and continue to do the same thing, with you and with future partners).” If you have a good partner, he should WANT to make it a wonderful, pleasurable experience for both of you. But you might have to help him out by telling him what works best for you. He can’t read your mind, and he shouldn’t take it as a personal insult to his sex skills if you offer a little guidance. On that note, tell him what you DO like. It’ll create a far more pleasurable experience for both of you.
“I am saddened to have to even write this. If you are among the approximately 44% of women who has been a victim of sexual violence (link is external), it is not your fault. EVER. Even if you were drunk. Most young women get drunk at some point in their lives—and you getting drunk doesn’t cause sexual violence. The perpetrator is the cause. Also, if you are a survivor, you can reclaim your sexual life again.” That pretty much says it all. If you are a survivor, your campus has resources available to you. There are also a number of online resources, like the NSVRC.
She concludes with “In sum, dear young women, if I had only three tips to give you, they would be the following: 1) learn about your own body (especially your clitoris); 2) learn to tell a partner what you like and want; and 3) learn to mindfully immerse yourself during sex.”
The author recently took to Reddit to address some questions from the community about the article and her work in particular. She may or may not still be taking questions, but the thread is available here for you to read questions and responses.